Lordy, Lordy! I am so tired of Frankfort. Even though I stay positive and prayed up, I just cannot come up here. Every time it seems as though things are getting better for me they suddenly turn for the worst! It seems as though each new day bring a new problem or issue. I know that I have SO much to be thankful for, but there is also so much going in my life that needs to be better. I feel like I am trapped in Frankfort, Kentucky and who the hell wants to be trapped here?! Money is funny, bills are high. Friends aren't really friends, and family is unreliable. So who do I have? Who's here for me? Who looks out for Kiah Shani? Nobody! When I look back there are only a handful of people who have actually been here for me. And I thank God for those few. But it honestly is disappointing when you think someone is your friend, but find out there are not and don't have your best interest in mind. I cannot say for sure whether I'm growing and changing or if these so-called friends are growing and changing. I just pray that God removes the people whose lives I need not be apart of, as well as as those who need not be apart of mine.
As far as family goes, I really hate that my parents weren't better at parenting. There is nothing I can do about it now considering that I am 25 years old, but I see daily things that I should have learned as a child FROM them that they just didn't take the time to teach my and my siblings. Perhaps that is the reason for the relationships I currently have with them. Everything with them is like a competition rather than a loving relationship. I pray for them and can only hope they pray my strength.
Then there is school. My advisor sucks! There is no encouragement or motivation. And maybe I'm confused about his duties. Maybe he is not required to motivate me and encourage me to do my best so that I can go out and serve as a proud graduate and represent my alma mater and the things I've learned from it. Maybe not. But he is only making things more difficult for me. I. Am. Burnt. Out. Some days I think "forget this crap! I quit!". But I have come too far to do so. I pray daily that God gives me strength to finish this degree strong and put my best foot forward. The fact that I have no job, no money, and no plans whatsoever worries the shit out of me! Like what's next?! What am I going to do next month when my lease is up?! Will I ever find a job in my field? UGH! STRESS!!!!
Some days I don't even want to get out of the bed. I understand that God is testing me and that the devil is working full time! I know that troubles don't last long. Just pray I don't crack before trouble end.
Pray for me. Pray I stay humble.
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