Self- Cleaning

I'm working on me.  Getting myself and life together.  Trying to become the woman God intends for me to be.  In order for this to happen I need a good self-cleaning.  I'm working on getting all the baggage, hurt, insecurities, regrets, flaws, and negative things that I try to keep buried in.  It's got to come out and be faced head on so that I can deal with it, put it passed me, and move on.  It hurts me terribly to reach deep within myself and think about and analyze over the negative things about me.  The things that I low key despise about myself.  But it is so necessary.  How can I be the daughter, sister, friend, wife, niece, cousin that God wants me to be if I can't be true with myself?  How can I expect anyone to give the love I expect when I first should only expect love for self?  It's got to start with me!  Not only will the relationships and friendships I have with others be improved, but I will be a better, wiser, more secure, healthier individual and child of God.  Speaking of God.  He knows about my flaws.  He knows every aspect of being existence.  Good, bad, and ugly.  That's scary!  Yet, He's so merciful and gracious and forgiving that He waited on me.  He waited on me to be ready to cleanse myself, no pressure.  He already knows my potential.  I'm the one who needs to discover it and use it!  He's never given up and me.  Flaws and all.  And even with me burying my flaws and ignoring the things Satan places in my mind and in my way, He still loved me and kept me.  That's awesome!  Ain't nobody like Him.

He placed this on my heart to blog about and my fingers have been going a mile a minute.  (What a relieve!)  Here we go....

The list of things I need to work on is continuous.  As I go through life, God placing situations, obstacles, problems, altercations, and events in my life that will lead to to face one of the flaws I continue to avoid.  Subtly.  It's crazy.  Like I won't even be thinking about a flaw....for years, and then all of a sudden its brought up and screaming "TAKE CARE OF ME!"  That's God.  Working mysteriously.  And as He sees fit, as in when He feels I'm ready and mature enough --spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually-- to deal with something I've, unbeknownst to me, buried or neglected to deal with,  He'll place another unavoidable obstacle in my way.  I will HAVE to deal with it, but it will help me in the long run. 

So the first couple of things that I've been forced to deal with are love and family.  Two of the most important things in life.  The situations I deal with in love are so instructional.  And thought-provoking.  For instance, how can a woman ( like me) demand that a man fit certain criteria in order to be a potential husband, yet she isn't exactly ready to provide to him what's she's asking him to provide her with?  Yeah, I pray for God to send me a "good man to marry", but am I even the "good woman to marry" that my potential husband is simultaneously praying for?  What does it take to be a wife?  I had never even thought about the actual aspects of a marriage (until Prince Charming came along ;), and even those thoughts are premature, really).  So God is sending me a test, only he is allowing me to be the instructor.  To think about more than just a husband, some kids, and a house with a dog.  No, marriage is more than that.  Marriage is a commitment.  A serious, everlasting, no bullshit commitment.  It ain't for everybody *Hov voice*.   It takes communication, patience, trust and trustworthiness, faithfulness, compromise, understanding, respect for each other's entire being (mind, body, soul and all that encompasses these things) and much more.  These are just a few things marriage needs.  Marriage is a step that should only be taken when both parties understand completely the role they each play, as well what to expect from the role of their partner.  Marriage must be an ongoing spiritual, emotional, social-able, EVOLVING journey.  These are just some of the many thoughts roaming through my head about love, reproduction, and marriage.  Family life.  I am still sorting these things out, but I thank God for the opportunity to learn.  The opportunity to look inside myself and become a more understanding individual.  A chance to better prepare myself for the husband I keep wishing on a star for.  It isn't fair of me to ask God to send me a husband, when I ain't ready to be a wife.  Still preparing.  Just because God hasn't presented me with my King, doesn't mean I can't work on becoming a Queen.  Pray my success through this endeavor.

Endeavor #2: Family.  As I get older I find myself being slightly jealous of close-knit families.  And jealousy's the UGLIEST trait.  But sometimes, I see that I missed out on a lot of affection, instruction, and closeness that other kids had.  And I'm not saying that I had a bad childhood, cause from what I remember, I had a ball!!!  Lol.  I love both of my parents equally for their individual characteristics and lessons they each taught me.  They had a big part in making me the woman I'm becoming.  They are intelligent, creative, beautiful people.  I mean, come on, they gotta be the bomb.com, they made me!  LOL!  But I realize lately that my parents neglected to do a lot of things to prepare to live on my own.  And for years, I would do something stupid (like max out a credit card with NO job to pay on it, smh, don't judge me!) and be like "Yeah, my parents never taught me to do...blah blah blah."  Whatever the case.  And with this reasoning, I could do it over and over and over.  Now that I'm 25 I'm like, OK, Kiah quit bitching about what your parents didn't teach you.  You're an adult now and that excuse is no longer acceptable.  Sharon and Thomas are no longer responsible for my lack of knowledge or frivolousness.  I now attempt to do everything in a responsible, 25-year-old-ish manner.  No more excuses.  Not only is this helping me to deal with some of the hurt I'd buried in about my parents' divorce or me and my sisters constant fighting, but it's also helping with endeavor #1.  Of course I want to one day have a husband and children.  A family.  The things that my parents never talked to me about or taught me to do,  now must be of extreme priority for me and my husband to teach our children.  And this in no way a bad thing.  It's a cycle.  A parent should want their children to be better than they were, so that can pass these (and more) traits on to their children, who do the same for their children,  and so on.  This is how we ensure a positive future for everyone.  I can't make all the bad, misguided children change their ways.  Can't make parents actually BE parents to their children.  But I can ensure that MY children are upstanding citizens who contribute to society and not compromise it negatively.  With that being sad, I cannot bring a child into this world until I am 100% sure that I can provide for their wants and needs entirely, as well as, provide a safe, nurturing, stable environment for them to live in.  That's real. 

Also with family, I realize that at the end of the day they (and God) are the only ones who truly remain.  Family will FOREVER be family.  No changing that.  So i'ts stupid to fight and argue over a grown person's behavior, a behavior in which YOU have NO control over, and be spiteful and hold grudges (ahem!).  Grudges only place wedges in between family members, creating unnecessary drama and hindering family bond and closeness.  To all my family members, I LOVE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE AND PRAY FOR YOU DAILY.  This is not the kind of family love that God wants any family to have and I know He is working through us individually.  And when he sees fits, He will make everything right.  I thank Him for keeping me faithful.

With all these wonderful things he's providing me with, these revelations and lessons, I'm becoming happier, smarter, wiser, healthier.  I'm smiling more now than ever.  And it's not because I have a job, or alot of money, or a brand new car.  No, those are material things.  God is giving me so much more through intangible gifts.  I am becoming at peace with my inner self and God is helping through this tedious process.  Sometimes you have to tear things down in order to build them up to their full potential..  I'm nowhere near my full potential, but God is placing things in me that are helping me teach myself how to get closer and closer to my potential.  To the potential He sees for me.  Send a prayer up for me, ya'll.

Stay Blessed.

K. Shani

Frankfort, Frankfort, Frankfort!

Lordy, Lordy!  I am so tired of Frankfort.  Even though I stay positive and prayed up, I just cannot come up here.  Every time it seems as though things are getting better for me they suddenly turn for the worst!  It seems as though each new day bring a new problem or issue.  I know that I have SO much to be thankful for, but there is also so much going in my life that needs to be better.  I feel like I am trapped in Frankfort, Kentucky and who the hell wants to be trapped here?!  Money is funny, bills are high.  Friends aren't really friends, and family is unreliable.  So who do I have?  Who's here for me?  Who looks out for Kiah Shani?  Nobody!  When I look back there are only a handful of people who have actually been here for me.  And I thank God for those few.  But it honestly is disappointing when you think someone is your friend, but find out there are not and don't have your best interest in mind.  I cannot say for sure whether I'm growing and changing or if these so-called friends are growing and changing.  I just pray that God removes the people whose lives I need not be apart of, as well as as those who need not be apart of mine.

As far as family goes, I really hate that my parents weren't better at parenting.  There is nothing I can do about it now considering that I am 25 years old, but I see daily things that I should have learned as a child FROM them that they just didn't take the time to teach my and my siblings.  Perhaps that is the reason for the relationships I currently have with them.  Everything with them is like a competition rather than a loving relationship.  I pray for them and can only hope they pray my strength.

Then there is school.  My advisor sucks!  There is no encouragement or motivation.  And maybe I'm confused about his duties.  Maybe he is not required to motivate me and encourage me to do my best so that I can go out and serve as a proud graduate and represent my alma mater and the things I've learned from it.  Maybe not.  But he is only making things more difficult for me.  I. Am. Burnt. Out.  Some days I think "forget this crap!  I quit!".  But I have come too far to do so.  I pray daily that God gives me strength to finish this degree strong and put my best foot forward.  The fact that I have no job, no money, and no plans whatsoever worries the shit out of me!  Like what's next?!  What am I going to do next month when my lease is up?!  Will I ever find a job in my field?  UGH!  STRESS!!!!

Some days I don't even want to get out of the bed.  I understand that God is testing me and that the devil is working full time!  I know that troubles don't last long.  Just pray I don't crack before trouble end.

Pray for me.  Pray I stay humble.
 

2011, Oh My!

I can hardly believe that it is already 2011!!!  Seems as though life is moving so rapidly!  Ok, so it's anew year and everyone always uses the cliches "New Year, New ME," or "Out with the old, in with the new".  Me?  I have no New Years Resolutions.  I have resolutions daily, so January 1st is no exception.  I strive to be a better me than I was yesterday.  I strive to work on issues that I know exist in order to live a healthier, more prosperous life.  I strive to walk closer with God, for I know that it has been He that's carried me thus far.  2010 brought me lots of happy times and plenty of grieve, trials, and tribulations.  2011 will probably do the same!  It's life.  Everything we encounter is pre-determined.  All we can do is remian positive, love, forgive, and pray.  Lately I've been reminded of a saying I used to hear in elementary school:  "Attitude is 10% what happens to us, 90% how we react to it".  And that is SSSSOOOOOO true!  No one person is exempt from hardship.  And I'm sure everything I've gone through, someone elsewhere has gone through.  So if nothing else, in 2011, I will a more positive, open-minded individual.  I will progress! and pray for some one else's progression.  I will offer insight where possible, and love with everything in me.  I will trust in self and exude confidence and tact in all I do.  I'm growing up, ya'll.  It's a scary thing....

Blesses.